I’m Feeling 25

Well…another birthday is upon us. A big one. A mile marker, if you will. 25. I’ve been on this earth for 25 years. A quarter of a freakin’ century.

When I was like 17 I figured by 25 I would be a teacher. I would be married, and thinking about having kids. I never wanted to have kids until I was 26. 26 seemed like a solid age.

Well, I’m not a teacher, I’m probably the furthest from married I’ve ever been, and I don’t think about having kids at all anymore. Kids just aren’t a thing man. I love my nephews. Kids seem like they would interfere with a few things I like, including (but not limited to) sleeping, traveling, drinking, having free time. All that goes out the window when kids come in the picture.

So I’m not where I thought I would be by 25. Big deal. 17 year old Bird was an idiot. She knew nothing about life. Not that 25 year old Bird has all the answers. However, I am happy with where I am.

Some things I’ve learned along the way:

Tell people you love ‘em while they’re still around.

Don’t waste time worrying about shit you can’t change.

Don’t buy clothes unless you’re like for sure for sure going to wear them.

If you’re a girl learn how to check your oil and change a flat. (Guys should know this too, but if you don’t by now then learn, and know that I am sorely disappointed in you)

Do something out of your comfort zone, even if it doesn’t work out you’ll be better for it.

Don’t say you don’t like something if you haven’t tried it.

Don’t pretend to be friends with people you don’t actually like.

Tell your parents thank you.

Don’t ever think it’s too late to make a change.

The best Greek pizza is from Mazzio’s, so stop messing around with other Greek pizzas.

You’ll never get a do over, you’ll never be this young again, and you’ll never get to go back. So don’t let old, warm, fuzzy memories from yesterday interfere with whatever stuff you have going today.

Don’t be surprised what you can learn from people you’re sure are a million times more stupid than you.

Cross your t’s and dot your i’s or you might end up in jail. (or so I’ve heard)

If you have an electric fuel pump don’t let your car run out of gas.

Always have a plan B. (Like an actual plan, not the pill…unless you think you might need that then feel free to stock up. No judgement here)

Have as much fun with your friends as humanly possible, because one day you’re all going to be in different places.

Don’t ever tell a mechanic you know nothing about cars.

Don’t get on plane hungover if you know you’re going to be flying through the mountains.

Don’t EVER wear heels to Cain’s Ballroom.

Take a compliment.

I think that about does it for now. See how smart I am after all these years?

 

Christmas Time Is here

Hello Readers,

Many a moon and holiday have passed since we were last together. Let’s see…there was Labor Day, I can’t recall what I did, I’m sure my dad smoked a brisket or something. Then there was Halloween. I was a witch, I was actually probably the cutest witch I’ve ever laid eyes on. Then Thanksgiving came, we had turkey and ham, and I almost broke my foot.

Now..it’s my favorite time of year…CHRISTMAS!! I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!

This year, Christmas doesn’t feel quite the same. Mostly due to global warming I think.

Is your Christmas shopping done? It’s not is it? You haven’t even started, have you? You know there’s only 3 weekends left before Christmas right? Like…you probably only have one pay day before Christmas. You do know that right? Oh you’re gonna try to get it all done at Wal Mart on Christmas eve? Ok…yea you’ll be fine.

I’ve never been a late Christmas shopper. I mean, I always do it  in December, but never on Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve shoppers are the devil’s advocates. Seriously, they are mean. Also, what kind of weirdos shop “all year round” for Christmas? How do you know what somebody is going to want come Christmas time? How do you know you’ll even like that person enough to get them a gift when Christmas rolls around?

Today, I thought we would discuss Christmas Past.  Talk about some of the things I asked for, but never recieved.

When I was younger, I believed in Santa Claus until my mother crushed my dreams in a most unconventional way. It’s a whole different blog post / therapy session that we’ll cover on another day. Actually, even after that happened I still thought it was a possibility. I probably only had 1 or 2 more years of solid Santa beliveing.

So, even though I believed in Santa, my parents were not the type to threaten me with the whole “santa is watching” thing. So, around Christmas I would assess my own behavior. Most of the time I decided that while I wasn’t as well behaved as some of my friends probably were, I was still deserving of presents. Also, Santa is probably like Jesus, in that he understands kids make mistakes and bite their sister when she won’t play with them. Maybe even know that my sister had that coming.

So when the Toys R Us catalog would come in the Sunday paper, I would circle and dog ear pages that contained items I wanted. Never did I expect to receive them all, but thought I would at least get the ones I verbally begged for. Not so, young bird, not so.

*disclaimer: looking back now I realize that my parents probably didn’t buy me the majority of these gifts due to the fact that I am accident prone, and I think they wanted me to live to see 12. So they’ve always had my best interest at heart.

1. Moon Shoes. Moon Shoes are like mini trampolines, that you can wear. You strap them on your feet and go bouncing about. I wanted them so bad, but they were never under my tree.

2. A Horse. This is the only request I truly felt was unreasonable. I mean, we live on a ranch. Get me a damn horse.

3. A Trampoline. My friend Morgan had a trampoline, it was the funnest part about visiting her house. I swore if they got me a trampoline they’d never have to drive me to Morgan’s again. I would completely write her off. Just get me the trampoline! Please!! (just kidding Morgan…I would never write you off.)

4. BB Gun or really any Gun. I promise I’m a girl, but see my friend Corey, he had a BB gun and a .22. Sometimes after school we would shoot bottles and cans for fun. I looked forward to when Corey’s dad would have work to do at our house because it meant I got to shoot stuff. So I asked for one, but I always knew it was a stretch.

5. New car. So I was little older when this was on the wish list, mom and dad just laughed and laughed.

Those are the only gifts that really stick out. I guess I still love my parents even though they blatantly ignored my requests.

This year, everyone keeps saying “Christmas is for the kids!” I think they mean my nephews. I don’t know…I don’t have kids though, so I expect presents.

An Ode To Summer

Hello out there!

While some people out there have a few more weeks of summer, I watched mine ride off into the sunset tonight. That’s right, I start school tomorrow. In about 1 year I’ll be licensed to cut all y’alls hair…and maybe wax your upper lips. Even at the ripe old age of 24 I have first day jitters. So I hope my Mom packs an especially encouraging note in my lunch.

Kidding. I packed my own lunch.

This summer was rather uneventful. Perhaps if I hadn’t started my summer off with a trip to Vegas then it could’ve seemed more exciting. Everything is dim compared to Vegas.

I worked this summer. I worked a man job. All my jeans and t shirts have grease stains. I sweat in ways I never thought possible. In the end it was worth it. I have once again secured my position as favorite child for at least 6 months.

Dad taught me how to run the baler. This probably means nothing to you, but it means a lot to me.

I saw a few movies. Good movies.

I am now a grill master. I can grill with the best of them.

I didn’t have an alcohol related injury at all. That’s a big deal.

I went to the lake twice. Good times.

I slammed my phone in the door of my Dad’s truck and had to buy a new one.

I turned 24 at a bar in Vegas.

I washed my ipod and bought a slightly used one from some guy off Craigslist and managed not to get raped or murdered.

All in all, I had a good summer, but I am more than happy to see it go. Summer sucks. It’s too hot.

Well, that’s all I have to say about summer. I hope y’all enjoy whatever is left of yours.

Real Quick

Ok really quick. I just remembered something that happened to me when I was a child, and I had to share.

I can’t say for sure how old I was, but I’m thinking maybe about 9.

I was at the Bartlesville Public library when I came across a door that said “restroom”. Keep in mind I had been reading for quite some time. But I just had no idea what this “restroom” sign could mean. I was so intrigued. I remember thinking perhaps there was a bed or some couches where I could “rest” and read my book.

Surely I had heard the term “restroom” before…

I looked around in case this restroom was off limits to children. All clear. I pushed the door….

Nothing but toilets.

But then a light bulb came on in my head. And I was like “OOOOHHHHHH! A RESTROOM!!”

I just needed to tell someone.

Daddy Dearest

Another Father’s Day had come and gone. I hope everyone enjoyed it.

I have written a few posts in the past dedicated to my mom and sis.

This one is for you Dad!

I’ve always had a special bond withy dad. We have a similar sense of humor, and we share many interests. He’s one of the only people I can talk to about agriculture, Dallas Cowboys, other professional sports, as well as gossip.

Some of my best memories include my dad. I remember how much I used to love going to work with him. People used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grow up. My answer was “a farmer girl”. I wanted to be a farmer girl.

I remember the first time I cussed in front of my dad. He told me a section of pasture would take 2 hours to rake, to which I replied “shit” except I pronounced it like “sshheeeiit” which only proved that I had been using that word long enough to come up with innovative ways to pronounce it. He just laughed while I tried to back peddle and convince him I said “shoot”.

Once my mom and dad were called into a meeting with my 5th grade principal. A boy had been picking on me and I warned all parties involved that if the issue wasn’t resolved I was going to resort to violence. So when the principal told them I hit a boy my dad said “well didn’t she tell you if you didn’t do anything about it she was gonna hit him?” The principal acknowledged that. So my dad said “well problem solved”. He was proud of me for sticking up for myself.

Once a year at the John Deer dealer in Blackwell they have “John Deer Days” you get to see the latest equipment, plus you get hats and keychains and what not. Plus we usually ate at the Dixie Dog. Well one year it happened on a school day. I couldn’t stand missing it. So I pretended I hit my head at school & my dad came to get me so I got to attend after all. I’m sure he knew I was faking, but he never let on.

My dad is always singing. He used to tell me he wrote songs and I wondered while we’re still here instead of hitting the big time in.Nashville. Years later I would hear them being sung on the classic country radio station.

I remember the first time I recognized the essence of who my dad truly is. He had just picked up my brother and me. We were headed to the hayfield fast because the hay was “burning up” (a process where cut hay gets too dry usually due to high temperatures) it was probably 110° outside and dad was in a big hurry but on the side of the highway there was an old lady trying to flag down some help. She had a flat tire. My dad changed her tire and I remember saying I thought we were in a hurry. He said “there’s always time to help someone in need”. The hay turned out alright. I know you were worried.

My dad is simply the greatest. He’s the hardest working, strongest, most loyal, forgiving, man on earth. He’d give you the shirt off his back. I love him so much. I am glad he has helped shape me into who I am.

Plus…he’s where I get this great head of hair from. Thanks Dad!

Things Regarding Vegas That Frighten Me & Why I Hate Raelynn From The Voice With The Fire of 1,000 Suns

Ok. I’m not going to bs you guys with a bunch of stories about how busy I’ve been lately. I’ve just been lazy. That’s why I haven’t blogged. Now that we have that out of the way let’s move on to today’s first topic.

In a few weeks I will be going to Vegas. On a flying machine. Guys, I’ll have to go to the airport. I’ll have to be be 30,000 feet above the ground. I love the ground. I don’t want to be that far away from it. Someone please sell me some vicodin.
Next, Vegas is big. It’s full of people. I’ve heard there are hookers there. I’ve googled self defense tips. Then I got specific and googled “self defense tips for Vegas” so I dare someone to try to mug me in Vegas. Actually I don’t. Please leave me alone.

Third, so many people have told me not to let the fellas buy me drinks unless I accompany them to get the drink or I will most definitely be roofied. However I see that as a chance for a guy to separate me from my friends, then steal me, and sell me or whatever the hell goes on. So instead of letting guys buy me drinks I think I’ll just ask them to give me the money.

Last, I have a gambling problem. That’s pretty much the end of that.

Final topic.

If you follow me on twitter you know it is no secret that I hate Raelynn from The Voice. I rejoiced when she was eliminated. I found happiness in her tears of sorrow.

Now I have to say that after much thought, I think I hate people that like her more than I hate her. Seriously. How can you listen to her voice and think that she could be remotely successful as a musician? Then again, the way country music is today…I guess it’s no surprise.

I also have a big problem with her outfits and her overall appearance. This isn’t toddlers and tiaras you dumb ass. Where is she buying her dresses? Don’t get me started on her lipstick.

I wonder why Miranda Lambert is so stuck up her ass. Does she not realize that if Raelynn becomes successful in Nashville (God forbid) that she will be her competition? Miranda, I love you..but let’s face it. You aren’t getting younger. Keep your husband on a leash around that little hussy. You’ll be glad you did.

Anyway….she sucks at singing. Her very being offends me. That’s pretty much it.

Until next time.

Car Trouble

Lemme tell y’all something.  If I had a dollar for every time I have had my car break down, I would be driving a really nice car. Once again last week my car decided not to start. Car trouble is exhausting. In my car’s defense, I have put a lot of miles on her. She has been a reliable car for the most part. I love her. I will pay to fix her. Mostly because I can’t afford a new car right now.

I thought it might be fun to go a little more in depth about my car trouble, I’d like to bring up car trouble from the past.

When I first got my license I didn’t actually have a car, but my dad is a used car hoarder, so I always had something to drive.

When my sister got a new car, I got her hand me down 1991 Ford Escort. A hatchback. I liked that car. It was little, and fast for a 4 cylinder. Marena had been down many roads in that little car, and it wasn’t in pristine condition to begin with.

The first time I ever got pulled over I was doing 77 in a 55 (the speedometer was broken) luckily, I only got a seatbelt ticket. 

As time went by one night (the only time I lied to my parents about my whereabouts) my friend wrecked my car into another friends car. The bumper was almost completely off. I figured I could duct tape it up and Mom and Dad would be none the wiser. Well, they caught on. So my friend and her mom were going to pay to get the bumper fixed. A few weeks later I was going to get gas so that I could I drive to Skiatook to get it fixed. I was stopped behind a car on Main street and BAM!!! I get rear ended by a kid I went to school with. Things were not looking good for the Escort. Things were looking really really not good. 

So the escort was crushed. 

Next I got my Mom’s old Tempo. It was a whitish blue color, my best friend and I decided it was “water tower blue”. This car didn’t have a radio because I had to take out the fuse. So I had a discman attached to the dash by velcro, and hooked into the tape player. It also didn’t have an air conditioner, and the engine constantly ran hot. Toward the end of my senior year I was putting transmission fluid in it every day. Sometimes twice a day. Once my muffler fell off at the donut shop. Lincoln picked it up for me. Once, my friend Ty was making a comment about it, and he gave it a light tap with his boot. The whole side literally caved in. Once my friend Luke tried to walk up the hood or something and he shattered the windshield. One snowy day I had to make the 15 mile trek to school and I spun out on the highway, and slid into a ditch. I let my friends write on the ceiling with chalk. Before I left for college, my dad was kind enough to get me another car. I will always have fond memories of the Tempo. RIP Pimpo Tempo.

Next I had a Pontiac Grand Am. I also loved that car. It was fully loaded. I felt I deserved it. I don’t have many specific memories of this car, except that some dumb ass mechanic put the wrong coolant in it, and the day I moved out of Stillwater my engine exploded. About….3 miles from my parents’ house. Damn the luck! My poor dad spent a lot of time and money trying to get that thing running again. He finally did it. My mom still drives that car today. Side note: Don’t ever do business with Pemberton in Ponca City. They are not nice people.

Finally, after relying on the kindness of strangers, my sister, Krystal, and Brittani for 6 months I decided it was time to get a car. Tallgrass in Pawhuska had one that would suit my needs, and my budget. She was a 2003, bright red, Oldsmobile Alero. Though she wasn’t my dream car, I settled. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. Betty Sue and I have had some good times. We’ve been many places, and seen many things. I’m not giving up on her yet.

I have a dream that one day, my unborn daughter will get her license. She will ask me to buy her car. I will say no way Jose! I will hand her the key to Betty Sue, and I will watch her ride off into the sunset to go ramp 9th street hill with her rowdy friends.

Why I Like Being Home

It’s no secret that I really don’t enjoy my time in Tulsa. I never wanted to live in a place where people get murdered in broad daylight. It was just never on my list. I live 8 miles from work and it takes me 30 minutes to get there. Not cool. Here’s a list of reasons why Mom and Dad’s place rules, and Tulsa drools.

1. There are no people anywhere near here. Unless it’s someone who works on the ranch. They don’t count. It’s really nice to look out the window and just see land.

2. There are no sounds. In Tulsa there are sirens, or some Billy Bad Ass revving the engine on his souped up Honda every 10 seconds. Here, there’s nothing. Well, maybe the occasional coyote or bullfrog. But nothing too loud.

3. Mom and Dad have a huge tv, and a satellite. Need I say more?

4. My dad usually cooks something on the grill. The man can grill.

5. The guest bed is big and comfortable.

6. Festus lives here. I love him, and he loves me. He’s a sweet dog.

7. I can usually squeeze in a trip to Greek’s when I’m here.

8. Everyone knows the prettiest sunsets happen in God’s country.

9. Coffee tastes better here.

Look, the place is better. Country is always better than City in my opinion. Maybe someone can enlighten me on why the city may be better than the country?

I’m willing to listen.

Just Things

You guys, I have a few things I need to get off my chest.

 

1.I am DONE watching How I Met Your Mother. I only started because I have a couple of friends that never shut up about it. Well guess what. It’s no longer residing in my instant queue. Lord knows I love Jason Segel, I would have all his babies, but his character is a wuss. He’s whipped, for an annoying wife. That’s right. Lily is annoying. Oh, and don’t get me started on Ted, or Barney for that matter. I hate this show. I hate it! Who is the damn mom?? WHO?! It’s not Robin. That’s all I know. Someone please tell me who the freakin’ mom is when this God awful show finally gets canceled.

2. This month at work we are having a sale on Big Sexy hairspray, it’s the product of the month. I don’t know who does the ordering, but we only had about 10 cans to start out with, and now they’re gone. Customers are very upset with me, as if I’m the one that bought all the hairspray, or like I’m in charge of the order. If I get to work Wednesday and we still don’t have any, I am going to snap.

3. I’ve had an increase of people telling me “You’re crazy” when I tell them that I am going to Cosmetology school. How rude is that? You’re telling me I’m crazy because I want to be a cosmetologist? Ok, retired housewife. Have fun baking banana bread…or whatever it is you do.

4. Something positive. This morning when I woke up a bird was chirping outside my window, and the sun was shining. It reminded me that spring will be here soon! April 1st is in 6 weeks! I only know that because I had to count 6 weeks ahead quite a few times today.

5. My cousin Jessica called me today, then when I called her back she didn’t answer! I wish she would’ve. She makes me laugh.

6. The other night at my mom’s birthday party my mom and dad were dancing up a storm. They’re really very good dancers. I even danced with my dad. A rare treat. We had a really good time.

7. I really want a niece. Little girls come in to the salon all the time to get their hair cut and they are just so cute. I want a niece! Someone give me theirs!

8. I think I need a vacation. I get this feeling ever so often where I just need to go. Usually I move. However that just isn’t possible at this time. I think a trip to Amarillo is order soon.

9. I found a place that gives $20 pedicures Monday-Thursday.

10. I get to see my favorite band in concert this weekend, and make a trip to Stillwater! Fun stuff.

I think that’s all I have to rant about for now. Enjoy your Monday!

Mommy Dearest

Today is February 17, 2012.  Today is my mommy’s birthday.

I just have to say, without my mom I would be one lost puppy.  She is my best friend in the world.  I can’t say enough good things about her.  Here are some good things I have to say about her:

She laughs at all my jokes, she thinks I am really, really funny. And she is right.

She can cook something simple, like a grilled cheese, or a frozen burrito, and it tastes a million times better than if I do it myself.

My mom has rhythm. She is a really good dancer.

My mom is the most understanding person I know. She give everybody a chance, and understands people from all walks of life.

My mom never worries about anything. She knows that things have a way of working themselves out.

My mom is a good wife. I’m sure my dad agrees, they’ve been married long enough!

Now here’s a funny story:

Once, on Christmas Eve my mom and I were procrastinating. (Imagine that) So after a few hours of watching Real Housewives I said, “Well I guess we better start wrapping.”  My mom replied by making beat box sounds. (get it? “rapping”) She’s a real hoot.

I could be biased, being that I am her favorite child. So why take my word for it? Take these other people’s word!

Marena (My mom’s other daughter):

“I LOVE my mom. She is truly the most giving, understanding, rational person I know. Don’t get me wrong, she has her faults, such as : a complete inability to mail anything. Ever. Her sense of humor is a bit in the gutter at times, and she loves to live on the edge by procrastinating most tasks. Unfortunately, these faults must be hereditary as, I possess them all. My favorite memories are… the time she stood behind me with a butcher knife as I was doing dishes and scared the shit out of me (maybe you had to be there?? Lol!), how she would make sure that we had special mother daughter days regularly as I was growing up, and when she was in the room, supporting me during the birth of my son. I honestly don’t know where I’d be without her. She is a wonderful mom and grandma. She is a selfless caregiver. She is sooo smart and loyal. Her marriage and
work ethic are truly an exception. She knows how much I love her and exactly what she means to me, but on her birthday I just want to remind her how special she is to me. I am proud to be my mother’s daughter.”

That was sweet Marena. Thank you for your participation. Look who’s next! My sweet Aunt Cathy! Take it Aunt Cathy:

“What can I say about your mom other than I LOVE, LOVE HER! I met your mom on my wedding day, 17 May 1980. We all met her that day! Your mom & I became friends that night & we have been the best of friends for 32 years. We have kept many secrets, which will still be kept secret! We would talk for hours on the phone, which we don’t anymore because of our jobs. Remember, when I use to come & spend the week with you guys? We would stay up late every night. Sometimes your dad would too. The only funny story that I have is probably one you’ve already heard many times. It was when we were at the hospital in Houston with your Uncle Felipe. Your dad told Lonna & me to go get some rest in the brown suburban (it was parked at the hospital parking lot). Your mom & dad had an old mattress in there. So, we both laid down, but sleep just wouldn’t come. We both sat up, lit a cigarette & out of the clear blue, your mom says.” Well it was good for me, was it good for you?” There were people walking by the vehicle looking at us like we had had sex. Because our hair was all messed up & we were smoking. And your quick thinking mom said that. We both laughed uncontrollably for a long time. We just have a blast when we are together. You tell her that I love her very much.”

Thanks Aunt Cathy. Side note, Mom why did you and Dad have an old mattress in the suburban? Gross.

Next we’ll hear from my older brother Jason.

“What I like best about mom is her quick wit, and sense of humor. I remember one time she was trying to spank me and Marena with a shoe, we ran from her and hid in the closet, when she opened the door she was laughing hysterically. It was really funny.”

Leave it to the man to use so few words. Thanks Jason! I wonder if she still spanked you guys?

Here’s what my Aunt Donna had to say about my mom (her sister):

“I love everything about your mom, but I really love how laid back she is, and her sense of humor. I remember once, me, your mom, and our cousin Linda were playing restaurant and I was the waitress. One of them ordered french fries and I spelled the whole thing out. Your mom said “Why didn’t you just put FF?” (in a you are sooo stupid tone) and I said “Because, you might think that meant fignewton farts!” (ok so I was sooo stupid)”

Thanks Aunt Donna. Mom is a real know it all huh?

I asked my best friend Amanda to share her thoughts on my mom.

“There are so many good things to say about her. She always felt like a second mom to me, I remember when my grandparents passed away and I called your house. She talked to me for a while. I remember us hanging out with her at Bigheart for hours, and her always making us Chimichangas. In a nut shell, your mom is one of a kind and a bad ass. You can quote me on that.”

Quote you indeed Amanda. Quote you indeed.

My mom’s best friend Rozell also had something to add:

“Lonna Mauricio is one of the coolest people you could ever meet. Everybody wishes they had a friend like her. I am sooooo lucky to know her and to call her my friend. I have too many funny stories to even mention”

Thanks Rozell, she loves you too!

We asked my 3 yr old nephew what he liked best about Grandma:

“TOOOOOYS! and….cookin’ eggs.”

Very insightful, Blaine.

I wish I could’ve got around to asking my dad about this assignment, but he isn’t very good on the spot. So I’ll just say that one time we were talking about my mom, and he said “I’d be lost without her. I know that much.”

You’re sweet when you want to be dad.

So you see, I am not the only person who thinks my mom is awesome.

Thank you so much for everything you do mom. We are all lucky to know you. See you tonight!